Monthly Archives: April 2009

It’s a project

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Do not be too quick to assume your enemy is a savage just because he is your enemy. Perhaps he is your enemy because he thinks you are a savage. Or perhaps he is afraid of you because he feels that you are afraid of him. And perhaps if he believed you are capable of loving him he would no longer be your enemy.   –  Thomas Merton, Seeds of Contemplation

Foraging my memory for blog post ideas, I remembered the phrase, “The Listening Project.” With foggy details that included volunteers going to the Middle East to just listen to participants and the healing that emerged, it seemed like an important NGO to pass along.

Well, searching on “the listening project” yielded a new award-winning documentary at www.thelisteningprojectfilm.com. The short trailer describes a movie that asks open-ended questions about America’s impact of people around the globe. I haven’t seen the movie, so cannot recommend it, but the experience of watching just the trailer reminded why I believe in listening and why it can be so darn hard to do.

Here’s an experiment, watch the trailer and notice where you cringe. Is it when the interviewer asks, as it was for me, “what you think that America is doing wrong?” Or perhaps, do you wish to zone out when another participant responds, “All Americans are liars.”

If we do not listen, we cannot learn. Yet, who likes to hear about their failures or the anger of another? I know when I am teaching it takes a deep breath and a dose of courage to ask, “What could I have done differently?” Listening is a discipline. It takes work and practice not to turn away when the rhetoric contains malice, prejudice or even misinformation. And, for me, it takes a few tricks.

 First, to stay present when listening to unwelcome information I repeat to myself, “that’s one window.” Listening to heated dialogue, I like to picture that everyone is looking through a unique window on the world. I am hearing the view from that person’s lookout. Holding that image, I am more able to stay in, remembering that I getting a picture that is informed by the speaker’s experience, the landscape upon which they were raised with the panes colored by their culture.

 Second, I repeat, “I’m going to learn something.” When I realize that I can gain something from the conversation, I find I am more engaged, and as I have mentioned in earlier posts, in a more rational mental state. My view gets bigger and better if I can come to understand yours.

 So, I hope to watch this film and want to let you know that organization for which I searched is called, “The Compassionate Listening Project.” This group can be found at www.compassionatelistening.org. From that site, I drew the opening quote and renewed inspiration from their consistent willingness to keep listening. 

Check him out!

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Who is a wise man? He who learns from all men. — The Talmud

A friend sent along a Christian Science Monitor article on Living Libraries that I want to also share with you,  http://www.csmonitor.com/2008/0605/p01s02-wogn.html.

From CS Monitor -- A Living Library

From CS Monitor -- A Living Library

Here’s the premise – go to your local public library on a specific date and, instead of checking out a book, you are able to “borrow” a type of person about which you’d like to learn more. Curious about the Islamic tradition, being a fireman or what an undertaker does? Just sign up to spend a bit of time asking all questions you might have been previously embarrassed or fear to ask. A Living Library creates an opportunity for us to investigate the truth behind stereotypes and expand our perspectives.

Yet, could we not also bring this model into our every day lives? I propose describing the living library concept to another and following with the question, “Might I borrow you for a ½ hour?” I know I would be honored to be given the opportunity to dispel myths or clarify beliefs that another might hold about me, wouldn’t you? 

Hope you enjoy this article and find rich opportunities to “check out” someone who might pique your curiosity!

 

 

Helping Yourself to Happiness

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Last Monday, I met a sincerely happy young mother who had recently been laid off from a well-paid job in the computer industry. She shared that after losing the position her sleep had vastly improved and she was elated to have time to pursue her dreams. She called herself “The Upside of a Down Economy.” With a severance package to cushion the transition and pay for mediation training, Ms. “Upside” was providing her services as a volunteer in small claims court.

Meanwhile, a lead article in the New York Times just a few days earlier began, “Anne Hubbard has not lost her job, house or savings, and she and her husband have always been conservative with money. But a few months ago, Ms. Hubbard, a graphic designer in Cambridge, Mass., began having panic attacks over the economy, struggling to breathe and seeing vivid visions of “losing everything,” she said. She ‘could not stop reading every single economic report,’ was so ‘sick to my stomach I lost 12 pounds.’ The article explains how many are struggling with sleeplessness, anxiety or depression from riding the uncertain financial markets. 

So is the new mediator mom somehow superior to Ms. Hubbard? Why are some people fairing better than others? There are surely a number of factors like a severance packages, spousal income, or the relief of finally losing a job (“The other shoe dropping” so to speak) that can increase security. Yet, how are some people truly happy while old sustaining structures crumble around them? 

Turns out there may be tricks to help us cope, which I’m suspicious Ms. “Upside” employs.  In the attached video, Daniel Gilbert presents some fascinating research on we can train ourselves to be joyful, regardless of our circumstances. By synthesizing happiness, we can more readily adjust to changing times whether or not they bring natural causes for joy. 

So, if it is the best of all possible times or the worst, Dr. Gilbert suggests we can adopt important attitudinal shifts to buoy our spirits and increase our chances for survival.  Thus, I hope you “like” my video choice…and the week ahead!

Where are we?

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Last weekend I added another way to describe the importance of seeking another’s perspective when you find disagreement. Being a soccer parent in Montana has its challenges. When your children “travel,” you don’t head across town as do my friends in Minneapolis or Washington, DC, instead you hit the road at 5 am to drive across the state. The older the kid, the farther you must venture and the earlier in the year they start playing. Thus, the season began in earnest on Saturday for our teenaged daughter with games scheduled in Billings, about 2 ½ hours east.

April 4, 2009

April 4, 2009

Yet between Friday and Saturday morning we received about 18 inches of snow in our neighborhood outside of Bozeman. It drifted across the roads and without a snowplow, I wasn’t going to make it out of my driveway.  There was also a winter storm alert for our destination. Games had been cancelled all over the state. So, the three fellow soccer team families in our neighborhood decided at midnight to forgo 4 AM snow blowing and possible dangerous driving conditions since it seemed impossible that the games wouldn’t be cancelled. There are limits.

We awoke the next morning to even more snow and emails that the games were scheduled as planned! Weather.com continued to report winter storm alerts and the transportation department tough road conditions, yet all the other team members were on their way to Billings. How could that be?

This situation then began to remind me of watching a mediation. There’s usually a time during a dispute where one party insinuates that the other must be a little crazy or irresponsible. But for a mediator, this moment should be a sign that everyone might be missing critical information.

Thankfully, after shaking my head in disbelief, I recognized I must be missing something. After making some calls, I learned that downtown Bozeman had received a few inches not feet of snow and the farther east you drove the less white stuff you’d see. Ringing a friend already cheering on the sidelines, I learned that the fields were completely dry. “Winter storm alert” in Billings meant only cloudy skies, not dumping two feet as it did south of Bozeman. The same term was used for both cities with very different results. From our winter wonderland it had seemed impossible that there would be relatively warm and dry weather 60 miles away until I spoke with someone who had just made the journey.

After my faithful spouse dug us out, the girls and I headed east to make a second game. Arriving at the fields, it was my turn to explain to the other soccer parents why our late arrival had not been…well, lazy or irresponsible! With a dusting of snow on their vehicles before leaving, they were as confused that we hadn’t made the trip as I had been that they had. From Billings we had seemed a bit crazy…just as they seemed from home!

I now hope to mumble, “they must be in Billings” when I reach that tough spot in a mediation when perspectives diverge, or in my own disputes, so I will ask more clarifying questions. I’m guessing those who know Billings, Bozeman, or Butte for that matter, are smiling as they read this since these towns sport not only unique ecosystems, but also very distinctive, and sometimes opposing, personalities…yet, don’t we all?