Monthly Archives: January 2009

Repeat after me

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Become a student of change. It is the only thing that will remain constant.  –Anthony J. D’Angelo

Eighteen women gathered last weekend for a  “Thriving through Tough Times” workshop I offered in Bozeman. Not the lightest topic, yet one that elicited lots of shared laughter from the group. Ranging in age from twenty-nine to timeless grandmas, everyone had valuable advice to contribute. When we spoke about first finding ourselves in difficult circumstances, one of group elders wryly added, “When times get tough I tell myself, ‘Things might get better (long pause)…or they might not.’”

The grounded optimism of these words summed up a workshop theme. Many of these women had overcome some very tough times. They explained how they had gathered fantastic opportunity and learning from their experiences, modeling how life can indeed improve through adversity. Yet they were realistic, when you lose a child, or your best friend at midlife, things might not get better.

The journey through personal challenges in the Buddhist tradition is sometimes referred to as a “little death.” Our current job/marriage/situation ends or “dies”, we enter into a dark time of transition, and if things get better…or not, a new career/relationship/life emerges. These little deaths are seen as valuable practice to prepare us for the big one at our physical end.

Around the world, we are counseled to be calm and focused on the path ahead whether meeting a little or big ending. Many cultures strive for a “good death,” or one that is conscious and peaceful, since they believe this will supports us getting to the best next destination possible.

Repeating phrases like Theresa of Avila’s, “All is well and all will be will,” is very common global technique to foster a good death and rebirth. We might chant prayers over and over to comfort the dying, reminding them of the life yet to come. For example, in the Catholic tradition, the prayer “Hail Mary…pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death” is repeated, while Hindus sing devotional prayers and chant Vedic mantras throughout the process.

When we face little deaths, repeating favorite sayings can both calm and ready us for the adventure ahead. Another workshop participant offered her father’s favorite motto, “Everything happens for a reason.” Explaining how these words provide her solace and courage she said,  “By repeating this phrase I accept my circumstances and I figure I better start looking for that reason.”

Mantras are like a verbal opening bow to the opponent, “Tough Times.”  When this adversary appears I like to say,

  •  “Good teacher” – Borrowing the martial arts belief that our opponents are our best instructors. This reminds me that I can learn something and become wiser (a big personal selling point!).
  • “Opportunity, lots of opportunity” – That’s my version of “Things might get better…”
  • “I get to be here” – Recalling that this might be my only opportunity — in this body anyway — to have this experience.

In the above phrases, notice I invoke attitudes of learning, hope and gratitude. Interestingly, all three of these responses are processed in our neo-cortex or the two hemispheres residing on the top of our heads. This is the portion of our brains best equipped for complex problem solving. When the neo-cortex is engaged we have access to our creativity and can consider future implications of our actions.  We play best when this brain region is in charge. I am thus suspicious that the most effective mantras engage this highest cerebral region.

So, what might be your calming phrases or sayings?

 

 

Sustenance

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I believe people want to be of service. As the Polish poet Adam Mickiewicz once said, “The nectar of life is sweet only when shared with others.” You may not buy my hypothesis when you think of others whom appear very self-centered, but I believe that this comes not from their desire, but their ability to give. I am suspicious that a key component in the ability to serve is tied to what I like to call the Bucket Theory.

 Derived from a common cross-cultural belief, we can think of each of us containing an internal water bucket. When it is full, this “water” can be used to nurture, give life to new projects or to brighten another’s day. The water is the good stuff that we give to the world.

 Yet, giving empties the bucket. Ask a new mother about her internal reserves to get a sense of how giving drains us. Tough times also empty the bucket. When my own needs become greater, for example recovering from the loss of a loved one, I’m going to going to be dipping the ladle in my own bucket much more often just to survive.

 When there is nothing in the bucket, there is nothing left to give.  If my can is dry, it’s hard to be a helpful employee, wife, mother or friend. If I am really parched, I may be coming after your bucket too! At an extreme in this state, we become like vampires sucking the life out of our victims.  It is thus critical as parents, leaders and coworkers that we keep our own internal reservoirs in tact. Yet, how is that done? 

We fill our buckets through physical, emotional, creative and intellectual sustenance or activities that feed our bodies, our hearts and minds. These are usually fun, bring us joy or make us ultimately feel better – they “fill” us! It is not the activity, but how it makes you feel. We are not looking for a short term pleasure hit like escaping into a television show or eating ice cream…feels good for a half an hour but then leaves us in the same drained state.  We are looking for activities that are truly good for us. Activities might include:

Physical

  • Healthy food
  • Sustainable exercise
  • Sleep

Emotional

  • Fun times with friends and family
  • Silence
  • Time in nature

Creative

  • Favorite artistic activities
  • Inspirational reading or film

Intellectual

  • An interesting class
  • Thought-provoking book
  • Engaging discussion

Gallup researcher Tom Rath suggests in How Full Is Your Bucket?  it is positive remarks received at work and home that can fill our bucket. Regardless, what sustains each of us will be unique.  Visiting with friends can be fun, nurturing or at times stressful. Exercise can be energizing or terribly draining. In general, when filling the bucket we want to include activities that replenish rather than require an outflow.

And so, some questions to consider:

  • What sustains you?
  • Are you including sustaining activities each day?
  • How are you providing sustenance to your physical, emotional, creative and intellectual nature?

 

Workshop Announcements

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In January and February I will be providing two public workshops entitled “Thriving Through Tough Times” in Bozeman, Montana. During these fun (I hope!) and highly interactive workshops we will explore how to welcome life’s ups and downs. Together we will uncover our default styles under stress, learn cross-cultural techniques to stay centered and practice how to play well in our personal and professional lives regardless of what comes our way!

Pilot Workshop – January 23 from 7 to 9pm and January 24 from 9:30 am to 4 pm at Pilgrim Congregational Church on South 3rd Ave. Cost — $20 to cover lunch, refreshments and a donation to Pilgrim. Please contact Mary Wagner at  mail@uccbozeman.org or call 406.587.3690. Limit 24 participants.

On February 28th from 9:30 am to 3:30 pm this workshop will be provided as a fundraiser for Girls for a Change — a teen girls empowerment program. In conjunction with the GFAC conference, “Thriving Through Tough Times” will be offered to adult participants at Montana State University. All attendees will receive copies of Deidre’s books, The Way of Conflict and Worst Enemy, Best Teacher and lunch.  Cost: $150.00. Please contact Deborah Neuman, dneuman@allthrive.org, 406-587-3840 to register. Limit 30. 

And I say hello…

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This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival…Rumi

Last Sunday, I found myself employing delay tactics. I hung out in bed for an extra ½ hour and then skimmed a book found at my mom’s bedside instead of taking a shower. When I investigated a new route from my mother’s house near San Francisco to the Mills Peninsula Acute Rehabilitation Center where my father-in-law is recovering from a head injury, I realized I was still dragging my feet.

This surprised me since up to that point I had been welcoming the time to hang out with Peter T. Combs.  His brilliance and sense of humor were passed down well among his children and grandchildren. As the progenitor, it was fun to watch Peter T. still able to creatively analyze a problem, joke with a service provider and then wonder if could tip him.

I had been in CA for four days, but that morning sadness caught me and slowed my progress. I couldn’t relieve his confusion about his whereabouts — amnesia around the fall and the days following makes being in California, instead of his winter home in Mexico, hard for him to comprehend. I also can not solve his periodic wish to “get going and head home.” That day I needed to return to Bozeman for three days and I didn’t like that my absence might add to his disorientation. Away, I wouldn’t be able to make things a little easier.

I know I can’t save him from this challenge. Yet, we are in a time when he suffers, if I show up and pay attention, I too feel pain. I worry about his loss of memory, self-determination and potential companionship. I wonder how long will we all get to practice this form of descent into tough times. 

I don’t initially welcome these uncomfortable emotions. I’d much rather feel happiness, thank you very much! Yet, when my aversion to these feeling, and thus to the situation, has me wanting to run for cover, I know it is time once again to practice “saying hello.” 

Pushing against or turning away from our struggles will not cure them. The Buddhist and Hindu traditions are clear, an aversion to what we don’t like actually causes more suffering. From the Christian tradition we are told to “love your enemies,” even if they happen to be emotions like helplessness or grief. Confusion or sadness do not just go away because we pretend they are not there.

Instead, we are counseled cross-culturally to just notice and be with tough emotions when they appear. From the Islamic Sufi tradition, the twelfth century poet Jelaluddin Rumi suggests we see our interior as a home where every emotion is welcomed as an honored guest. We invite everyone in, whether my favorite buddy Joy or that strange character Insecurity. They visit and keep an eye on them as we might if were to host a dinner party. 

We are wired to try to run from pain. Remembering this, I have developed a habit of acknowledging awkward internal visitors with an unspoken, “Hello Fear,” or “Hi there Frustration.” Strangely, by recognizing I’m nervous, sad, or afraid, I calm down. When I don’t resist the new arrival, both the emotion and I seem to ease. I have to giggle when I find myself saying, “Hi anxiety.” Ain’t that the truth at times!

So this week, as we figure out how to support my father-in-law, I am saying hello regularly to Confusion. Fear drops by from time to time and I’m glad that Happiness and I were able to spend many hours together over those four California days. But, when you see her, do say hi to Sadness for me. She sure has a knack for reminding us of all the good that has come our way.

 

I can’t hear you…

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A monk asked Shigui, “What is the first principle?”

Shigui said, “What you just asked is the second principle.”

 – from Zen’s Chinese Heritage

A few weeks ago, I was trying to pass along some information to a friend that I hoped would help resolve a conflict with which she was struggling. She was angry and, no matter what data I provided, I could tell it wasn’t getting through. Every point I tried to make, my friend got more defensive. She wanted out of the conversation and I was ready to give up.

There were clear signs that I needed change my approach. A “fight” (anger/attack) – “flight” (let me out of this conversation) reaction was a blaring indication that she was scared. Fear sits right underneath anger and avoidance.

When we are afraid, we are focused more on surviving than gathering new information. When the adrenaline kicks in, our brain screams, “Get yourself out” and is not much interested in sticking around to learn. So in this state, we don’t hear so well.

Trying to convince another is highly ineffective when she is worried about losing something dear to her. I know this, yet had forgotten as I laid out my well-developed argument…ah yes, teaching what I continue to integrate! After a few tries, I remembered an important cross-cultural rule of thumb, “Ask Questions.”

Asking open-ended questions calms and opens thinking. From a brain perspective, when I need to consider and answer a question, I move from my survival-focused brain stem up into more contemplative neocortex. In that portion of our heads, we can consider past, present and future, be creative, and are more willing to learn.

Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no.” The better the question, the more it slows the listener to consider it. That might be confusing, but our best inquiries stop others in their tracks.

Favorite questions include:

  • What would you have liked to have been different?
  • What could I do differently?
  • When you have been in your opponent’s situation, what would you have appreciated or needed?
  • Best of all possible worlds, what would you like to happen in the future?
  • What should our next steps?
  • How could I best support you? 

Our conversation shifted when I remembered to ask a question, in my case, the third above. Instead of striving to present positions, I became privy to my friend’s wisdom on practical ways to support another through tough times. We both listened better while she considered her next steps and I provided the information I thought might help. Our conversation, and later her conflict, were transformed.

Ask questions…A remembered mantra in my litany.