Fortifying Ourselves

“Well, Blogger Girl,” my husband Bruce teased me last week, “how are you going to sum up the year? Tie up the details in 300 words or less?”  Bruce offered a fair challenge that I doubt I can conquer succinctly, yet his words impel me to write about a topic I have mulling for months…hoar frost.

A strange hook to keep you reading I know, but hoar frost (my children still don’t believe that is its real name) is the northern equivalent of winter dew. When temperatures play around freezing, and the snow becomes colder than the surrounding air, intricate complex crystals form to sit vertically on its back as the humidity fluctuates high enough to squeeze water from air.

Hoar frost in Montana

Hoar frost in Montana

Hoar frost hasn’t ceased to captivate me in the past sixteen years of walking down the driveway to grab the newspaper. Its magical, ridiculous beauty in the middle of tire ruts catches and stops me when all I’m expecting are headlines. These front yard photos show the glittering results of early morning variations. Hoar frost is my winter reminder that any change can bring out the absolute best of us.

Front yard Hoar Frost

Front yard Hoar Frost

 

 

For humans, change brings disruption. It creates conflict when we are asked to let go of money, people, beliefs, jobs, favorite habits…and the list goes on. Change requires us to adjust and adapt, not a favorite human endeavor. It heightens fear and anxiety and can naturally bring out our worst.

Zainab Salbi, founder of Women for Women has spent most of her days over the past fifteen years assisting women and children in war torn countries like Iraq, Rwanda and Bosnia. Asking her how she bears it, she told me that conflict brings out not only the absolute worst but also the very best of humankind. The good fortifies her to cope with the bad.

Like Zainab, I look for the human equivalent of hoar frost. For example, last fall friends threw a “hat party” for our buddy Dawn who is going through chemotherapy. It was a marvelous evening of food, wine and about two-dozen women gifting chic hats to ease the transition to baldness. It was a joy to watch those in the room love up our dear friend as she modeled each new hat and talked about her experience with breast cancer. With somehow perfect timing, Dawn began to lose her hair the next day. 

The financial markets changes are naturally creating fear, anxiety and conflict. I am not surprised that many of my community are battling with spouses, siblings and coworkers as they worry about paying mortgages and job security. These are tough times. Yet, over the holidays I also happily took in stories of authentic, transformative conversations. These were delicious, give-you-goosebumps tales of healing relationships and deepening friendships. During their telling, I was reminded that we are paradoxically lucky to be in the middle of these global messes; they are affording us the unique opportunity to create dazzling displays of compassion and kindness. Big change creates unique openings that are not present during stability.

I have missed a lot of front yard beauty over the past decade when I quickly drove off to work or was late to a child’s event. That thought fills me with regret. Be it hoar frost, a hat party or a transcendent conversation, I really don’t want to miss any of it. So, that will be an overarching New Year’s resolution for 2009 — try to catch everyone, Nature and me included, at their very best.

I leave you with three questions to reflect upon as we complete 2008:

·     What could be your “dazzling display” in the coming weeks or months?

·     How can you support your wellbeing so you might bring forward your best? 

·     How can you encourage the good of others during this chaotic period as a leader, parent, family member or friend? 

May the coming year serve up ample beauty to fortify you through any struggle. Happy New Year!

 

Christmas is coming and…

I’ve been wondering if the goose’s weight fluctuation was a result of stress eating. Normally, this is the “Oh-when-will-I-wrap-ship-buy-cook-decorate-call-address-stamp-clean-and-even-celebrate” time of year. It’s about now I start cursing cultural traditions and hope my friends can wait another year to see a photo of our children.

To make the season extra interesting, let’s add a recession. I’ve noticed that not only are folks struggling with budgeting the financial outlays, but also with determining the appropriateness of their actions. Traditions can be comforting in that we do the same thing every year. But this year, do you hang lights outside and spend that extra cash on electricity? Do you make cookies for all your friends or will that put them in an uncomfortable situation? My family is now laughing since I have never pulled off either of the above in good times…but you get the drift of the internal questioning. We’ve added the stress of asking “what’s right?” to “how do I get this all done?” 

About ten years ago, Angeles Arrien shared an analogy upon which I rely. She said, when we are under stress, tired or otherwise preoccupied we should see ourselves as standing on one foot. Precariously balanced we can easily be pushed over and so, in these instances, we must pay careful attention.

Given the season and the current climate, I propose that many people will be standing on one foot during holiday meals. They may be dressed up and putting on the best face possible, but may also be wishing they could be hiding at home. So, how do we enjoy the holidays and the people with whom we are gathered?

First, I’d assume that everyone is emulating a flamingo. Don’t expect others to be ready for anything. I’d treat everyone, including you, gently. These are not ordinary times, so if someone loses it, we might want to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Next, look for telltale signs of stress and don’t take others personally. In  The Way of Conflict I describe four default conflict styles. Each displays unique and often unsavory characteristics when afraid. So, if someone:

  1. Gets really quiet or stubborn
  2. Becomes passive/aggressive or negative
  3. Impatiently barks at you, or
  4. Regales you with “the real facts,” and your stupidity,

 …recognize that person is struggling. Your dinner party partner is teetering on her one standing leg. As the person falls you might want to give her some room, or get out of the way!

Last, create the right frame of mind.  When we are stressed or terrified we gravitate to the fight/flight portion of our brains. There in our reptilian brain, we lash out as described in the previous paragraph. However, we can trick ourselves into using the calmer and more rational neo-cortex by focusing on learning, gratitude or play.  See my “Tips for Turkey Day” for applying mind shifting to a holiday meal.

Christmas is coming and Hanukkah is here. I hope the holiday season brings you all its best along with some time to regroup and recover. 

Are they playing well?

Madoff, Blagojevich and now Denmark’s Stein Bagger. A month ago I wouldn’t have recognized, nor known how to spell, these names. Today, however I believe I can include them in a post with no explanation. The cast of characters in our new global drama expands weekly as a widening swath is cut to reveal what lay underneath our financial abundance. Here’s a short clip to dish up a visual metaphor:

 

 

The charges of corruption, deception and run away greed are not considered good operating strategies by any culture I have studied. Yet, before the latest revelations, we might have seen these leaders as top players in finance and politics. They were successful. Famous. Powerful. Made themselves and others lots of money. They were adept, quick and creative. Some might have said that these guys were “playing well” in their selected field.

Madoff, Blagojevich and Bagger’s alleged actions help me to further clarify what the tag line “playing well” means from a cross-cultural perspective. To what should we aspire and what should guide our actions?  Two seeming paradoxes appear when I seek to explain how to play well: 

1)    It’s not if you win, but it is all about winning and losing.

2)    It’s not how well you play, but it’s all about the strategies you employ.

It’s not if you win, but it is all about winning and losing. When we play well we are not focused on winning at all costs. When I am willing to forgo my internal or universal values, even if I have won, I lost. The treasure at the end is seductive, but I have yet to find an example where the bounty is worth what is exacted internally. Sounds preachy, but this is also practical for self-survival. By no longer following the base code of conduct for our tribe, we effectively cull ourselves from the herd. For example, abiding by the Model Rules of Professional Conduct as a lawyer, I would have the legal community standing behind me if I were to be questioned. Focused on winning at all costs and betraying those rules, I would find few watching my back.

It’s not how well you play, but it’s all about the strategies you employ. When I started studying conflict resolution, my initial interest was to be graceful under pressure. Frankly, I wanted to “look good” when times were bad. It didn’t take me long to realize I had chosen the wrong goal. Studying those who truly played well, I noticed that they were focused instead on learning and finding solutions that would support the greatest whole. Those who play well often get to look good as a byproduct, but that is not the accomplishment they seek.

In my experience, the top players’ objective is to seek a solution where all can win. Sounds lofty, but again it is very practical. Since you are in the community, you win too. Also, if I’m working for your good, and I abide by a solid code of conduct to get there, you will probably stand behind me if I am ever in trouble. The bigger net we cast, the larger community within we then reside and are nurtured. Win-win solutions can appear to be impossible, yet even in the seeking we plant seeds for future opportunity. An obvious example is Martin Luther King playing well forty years ago and creating new paradigms that are still emerging today. When we play well, we take care of not only our community and ourselves, but potentially generations to come. 

Shifting Paradigms through Music

I wanted to share a novel approach to creating positive change. Grammy winning filmmaker Mark Johnson believes that music can be a powerful transformative tool. As the founder of Playing for Change (gotta love that name), he has spent the last ten years bringing musicians together to remix classics and foster greater global understanding. The attached video was performed by more than 100 musicians from New Orleans, Tibet, Russia and Africa…and everyone seems to be playing well! Check out the Playing for Change website to learn more.

Moving through the word

I have been thinking a lot about perspective. Last Thursday I participated in a “salon” hosted by The Ecce Gallery in Bozeman. Each month, a theme is selected and five brave souls provide a response. Well, I saw us as brave souls since we were required to either read a corresponding essay or to tell a story free form. 

The evening’s organizers had selected “Audacity of Adventure” as our theme. It’s a great choice for the mountain town that houses some of the world’s top alpinists, river runners, travel writers and NGO’s like Central Asia Institute. Some of our residents have to sew extra pages into their passports to handle all the visas. Knowing the biographies of some of my neighbors, I was surprised to be asked to be part of the presentation.

Meanwhile, about twenty of us gathered in the Emerson Cultural Center for wine, appetizers and conversation. Lori Lawson, who had organized the event, began by sharing a piece called “First Date” describing when she and a college boyfriend hopped a freight train in southern California. Author Alan Kesselheimadded an essay on being chased by a polar bear while on a month-long canoe trip in northern Canada. International journalist Michael Finkel provided extraordinary stories from border crossings including one into Tehran.  Ecce’s owner Robin Chopus closed out the salon by describing an African odyssey at eighteen where she witnessed a Masai male and female circumcision ceremony.

 And me? The external adventures I painted were tamer than those of my compatriots, telling about eighteen year old travels with two fellow exchange students around Mexico and a snippet from a visit to India. But, I also shared a journey through tough times where I ventured through “flat land,” or what John of Cross might have called a trek through “the dark night of the soul.”

 All adventures, yes, but listening to one another it was clear how different a perspective we each brought to our response. While we all equated adventure with travel, what was audacious was clearly unique. Alan’s edges live in the outdoors, while Mike’s are found in his choice of country. Lori played on the edges of the law and Robin dove into an outlying culture. My frontier lay within my interior.

 At the evening’s end, I had a richer understanding of what adventure and audacity could mean.  While alone we each provided a window onto the world of “The Audacity of Adventure,” together we created a composite view that left us all moved.

 The fuller picture is what continues to draw me to fostering any sincere dialogue whether at work or beyond. Dialogue derived from Greek means “moving through the word.” Dialogue occurs when we use conversation to move our understanding forward. It is those times when we seek more to learn from one another than to convince.

Dialogue needs multiple perspectives to be successful. I need to hear reports from as many viewpoints as possible to gather a sense of the true landscape. For example, if through my window I see sunny projections, and you meanwhile spot a financial tornado approaching, it behooves me to listen to your perspective. Thus, we want to invite those whose perspectives we might find wrong, crazy or strange to the conversation.

 Dialogue can be played well by following a few simple rules:

  1. Listen as intently and carefully as possible.
  2. Create ground rules that assure everyone is given ample time and quiet to speak.
  3. Welcome all viewpoints as simply “windows onto the situation.”
  4. Whoever can articulate a viewpoint that incorporates all the opposing perspectives wins the game.

 With some topics, like “the audacity of adventure” learning will be easy. I welcomed the opportunity to deepen my understanding of the topic. However, with topics like capital punishment, abortion or, say, drilling in ANWR, playing well takes practice. How can I open myself to perspectives from those I believe threaten my survival? Difficult, yes, but, practice we must.