Monthly Archives: November 2008

Tips for Turkey Day

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When I was writing Worst Enemy, Best Teacher, those I interviewed often mentioned Thanksgiving dinner as a magnet for painful people.  I used the  ”challenging sister-in-law, Suzie, who loves to fill your email inbox with ludicrous political propaganda,” as a typical holiday visitor, however, I was also gifted in my research with a number of others. There was the middle-aged sibling who still lives at home, the disapproving parent and the offensive alcoholic uncle. And the list continued with a variety of not-so-favorite characters with which to dine. 

Since Thanksgiving dinner can be stressful and not so desirable at times, I offer three tips for the day ahead:

1. Consider yourself a foreign exchange student — Become a stranger in a new land. Make it a game to figure out the gathered group’s customs and culture. When a meal is an anthropological study, we can look through different eyes. We instead focus on learning, instead of on judgement (or frustration!).  To win the game you must be able to create a list that answers:   

    • How does the group greet each other? 
    • How do they express affection? 
    • What are their prescribed rituals? 
    • How would I show respect? Show disapproval? 
    • How do they accept another into the group?

2. Next, remind yourself what is good or is working in this situation. Gratitude is a centering technique that forces us into our neocortex and away from reaction and constriction. Make a list of ten things you are truly thankful for. It might begin, “I’m breathing, I can walk, there are those awesome dinner rolls…”

3. And last, how might you bring fun to the situation? Play moves us into a good brain space. Artful use of play might include:

    • Teaching the kids how to play charades
    • Making everyone tell a joke before they get dessert 
    • Bringing hats that must be worn for a group picture, or 
    • Using one of the quick drawing exercises prescribed in Tim Brown’s Creativity and Play video 

 Whether or not painful relatives appear on our doorstep, these tips can help us to stay grounded and involved in the holiday. I hope your Thanksgiving is filled with good food, fun and new insight.  With gratitude :)   — Deidre

Rockin’ and rollin’ with the punches

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In October, a dear friend sent a request to help celebrate her 51st birthday. “No presents, no cake, just go dancing with me,” she wrote. Because she is adored by many more than me, 25 Bozemanites overwhelmed a bar on the town’s outskirts one Friday night. 40- and 50-something mamas and papas spent the next couple hours dancing like no one was watching, which was not the case as surprised regulars took in our hostile take over. We jumped around and shook what we had left to our favorite songs of high school and college. Everyone had a wonderful time and kept remarking, “I can’t remember the last time we went dancing.”

 It doesn’t take a degree in cultural anthropology to realize that the world likes to dance. Dancing is a common theme across the earth’s traditions. We dance at weddings, before and after battle, and at initiations of all kinds. In the Nyakyusa tribe of South Africa, the burial ceremonies include a war dance. An old tribesman explains, “We dance because there is war in our hearts. A passion of grief and fear exasperates us…Death is a fearful and grievous event that exasperates those men nearly concerned and makes them want to fight.” (from Death, Mourning, and Burial: A Cross-Cultural Reader ) We dance to celebrate, to grieve and to creatively adjust. 

Not only fun, moving our bodies is also good for us. Reports abound on the cardiac, weight management and the endorphin support jogging, yoga, basketball and other sports with coordinated movements can provide. Last post I had promised to write about stress mitigation techniques and cross-culturally dance appears to be one of them. Antidotally, our birthday girl, even though she was pre-election and officially over 50 reported feeling better for days after the event.

 Why might dance have been prescribed for centuries to support us through tough times? I’m suspicious it creates bilateral brain stimulation. When we have suffered great stress or even trauma, research has found that engaging both brain hemispheres through eye movement can reduce adverse affects and promote stability. Be it the coordinated movements, or that our eyes follow those dancing across from us moving back and forth, I wonder if this might be why dance calms and integrates.

 As a stress reduction tip for work and beyond, I am not suggesting conga lines between the cubicles or a disco ball in the conference room. Instead, if you are feeling stressed, consider finding some time to move your body. Be it a yoga class, dancing in the kitchen while whipping up dinner, or skipping as you walk the dog in the dark – give yourself a chance, like those before us, to adjust, to grieve or even to celebrate. 

 Or, come dancing! After her raucous celebration, my birthday buddy committed to creating a monthly community dance experience. Once a month, in Bozeman, Montana…maybe you’ll join us?

Play and Its Connection to Creativity

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I wanted to share Tim Brown’s speech at 2008 Serious Play Conference on how holding a “playful” mindset enhances our ability to find solutions. Brown is the CEO of the California-based design firm Ideo. I appreciate how Brown eloquently builds a strong business case for playing well and its innate rules. Enjoy!

When We Don’t Know (2)

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When the future is unclear…”Panic!” That’s often the frantic advice from the little voices in my head during turbulent times.  They like to add, “Get moving! Make lists! DO SOMETHING NOW!” My little internal worrywarts start looking for ways to exert control over my environment.  If that doesn’t work, they suggest running or zoning out. However, these quick reactions to uncertainty are not our usually our best responses. 

2. Watching our actions

I am not immune to the vagaries of the stock market or heightened global concerns. If you asked me how I was, I would say, “I’m fine,” but my actions remind me that I am bothered.  

A leading indicator of my discomfort with chaos is nagging my children to clean their rooms. Not the best solution to the current economic crisis I know, but a sign that I am yearning for stability.  A murky future places us in a state of alertness; what might come around the next corner? Fight/flight/freeze kicks in. My “fight” response is “I’ll create order if it kills me.” However, piles of clothes by the washer and frustrated family members are about all I get from that exercise.

 “Flight” in my case appears as sneaking in episodes of The Gilmore Girls with my daughter to escape into a gentler alternate reality. That she and I ripped through an entire season in the past week provides another clue to an offset in my internal equilibrium.  And, of course, there is the “freeze” response, which looks like periodic listless meandering around the house. Hmmm, is that why I haven’t gotten this blog entry completed?

To avoid current realities, friends and clients admit that one glass of wine at dinner has been morphing into two and that tracking election outcomes had become a constant obsession. Reading every major newspaper, predicting who will have to declare bankruptcy or organizing closets have been anted up as other favorite coping techniques. What are your tell-tale survival strategies?

We are adaptive creatures and thus find ways to keep going when times are tough. We often don’t realize how bad things have been until they let up.  My sister has been traveling in and out of the country over the past three years. When thousands across the US wept Tuesday night on into Wednesday after the election was complete, she noted, “Coming and going I noticed how downtrodden Americans have become over the past five years. I think everyone’s crying comes from fatigue and possible relief.”  The widespread tears are perhaps another indicator of our current national state.

 Tracking our reactions can help to determine the best next action.  Am I exhibiting signs of worry or stress? Am I readying for a fight or to flee? If the answer is “yes” I want to prioritize regaining equilibrium and inner calm before engaging in any important conversations or making new commitments.

When the future is murky we get nervous.  As a general rule, foggy times demand keen attention and less action. We need to slow down and watch. Watch the landscape (where I am and what is working), look for orienting landmarks and keep an eye on ourselves. Like driving in the mist, speeding up (doing more) can get us quickly lost or in danger.  Instead of frantic actions to create control, ask “what would support me, regardless where we end up?” These times call us to wait and gather information wherever possible before making a decision. 

 Next week…cross-cultural strategies for mitigating stress. 

Playing Well when We Don’t Know (1)

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I’m just home from walking in the fog.

Although I am writing literally, my walk in the fog could have been equally metaphoric. The future seems pretty fuzzy on Sunday, November 2nd with presidential elections in two days, volatile financial markets and heightening tensions in Syria, Pakistan and…and…and…

Fog rarely appears in Bozeman, MT so the weather’s novelty caught my attention. It reminded me how, according to cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien, some parts of Africa call times like the ones we are navigating “walking in the land of gray clouds.”

Today it feels impossible to fully predict what our economic, political and social landscape will look like a year from now. While I visited our eldest son at college a few weeks ago, I wondered, “How many of these students will be able to return next quarter, let alone next fall?” I try to guess what’s next and envision positive results, but I don’t really know. 

If my thoughts run wild, I can move to a panicked state pretty easily these days and I’m noticing I’m far from alone. Clients, family, and even strangers all want to talk about the candidates and stock market. The old adage, “don’t talk politics or religion,” somehow has been ignored at every dinner table I’ve visited over the past month.  Friends aren’t sleeping and madly canvassing homes with “get out to vote” brochures. We seem to be in a bit of a state.

So, how does one play well in the fog? 

1. Watching our attitude

As I mentioned in my previous post, “Why is it playing well?” when in doubt every culture I researched suggests you should  “count your blessings.”  Make it a habit. For example, Native cultures, Buddhism, Christianity and Islam prescribe professing gratitude for what is working in your life at least once if not multiple times per day. When we don’t know what’s next, remind yourself what is.

Recent psychological studies show that we are happier and more able to recover from traumatic events if we foster an “attitude of gratitude.” University of North Carolina researcher Barbara Fredrickson’s “broaden and build” theory suggests that using positive emotions broadens our attention and ability to perceive a bigger picture. When in a state of appreciation, we are more able to think creatively and gather information on the situation at hand. Her research also suggests that we are more resilient when fostering appreciation, optimism and joy. 

So, taking my own advice as I walked, I thought how cool it is to get to witness such a historic election. I was happy that I get to be alive during these unique times. I went on to enjoy the mist and the temperate afternoon. And my list of my “blessings” continued to grow the more I focused on appreciating my circumstances. I came home calm and more objective than I was when setting out.

When times get really rough,  all I can muster is “I can walk” or “I’m still breathing” to begin my “happy list.” But, starting with those, others appear. Priming the pump with blessings I can’t deny help to move me from my most miserable into a productive mind set. 

So, over the next week, ask yourself daily, “what’s working?”  I welcome your thoughts and results!

In my next post, I will continue with another technique for playing in the fog  – “Watching our actions.”